Can You Really Start Over After Losing a Parent to a Crime?

Losing a parent is among the most painful experiences a person can face, especially when it occurs due to crime. The sorrow can become heavy, often mingled with anger, confusion, and a sense of betrayal. For children dealing with this heartbreak, a daunting question arises: can one truly start over after losing parent in such tragic circumstances?

"I guess you could say that I started over at the age of 4. This is Lenora and for me it was the murder of my mom. I was 4 when I witness my stepdad take her life. I was told later in life that all she wanted was a life away from him to raise her daughters. Here is sister number two. I have a sister that after the murder went to live with his parents. I went to live my moms' parents. We were separated she was 2 and I was 4. I knew about her, but she had no idea of who I was or even our mom." Her name is Donna. I also have another sister with the same dad her name is Chera, I did not know anything about her until in my 50's.

So here it is - I have a sister with the same mom and a sister with the same dad'.

Can one ever Understand the Depth of a Loss at such a young age -

"NO, I am older now and still do not understand how someone can take someone else's life"

The loss of a parent is life-altering. When it happens suddenly and violently, the emotional toll can be overwhelming. According to the American Psychological Association, children who lose a parent to violent crime may experience prolonged grief, often lasting for years rather than months. Many face guilt and unanswered questions.

"Guilt was real for me as a young child, I thought it was my fault. Was I too loud, not good enough, did I not have the right hair color. As a child the questions would keep going over and over in my mind as to why? Why would someone kill my mom and take her from me. Those and all questions going through your mind alone can make one crazy without the love of Jesus. In Romans 12:2 reads: "Do not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of the mind." As an adult I have to renew my mind every day. I do not think anything could have saved my mom as with her story comes my story and our story. My life and our lives and how Jesus at a later age changed that."

Children may feel abandoned, left to navigate a future filled with uncertainty. For example, a 2021 study found that up to 25% of children grappling with loss report experiencing complications such as depression or anxiety. The road through grief often resembles a maze with no clear exit, making starting over to seem near impossible.

"Feeling abandoned was very real for me, I went to live with my mom's parents who were alcoholic's. Because of the drinking they divorced before I was 6, but they always remained friends. They did the best they could after losing their oldest child to murder. I believe the drinking was a result of what they were going through and their own grief, can you imagine being a parent and your child is murdered? As an adult now I deal with anxiety every day, I have my time with depression, like holidays and Mother's Day. I try to deal with head on because I have so much to be thankful and grateful for. I renew my mind everyday".

Navigating Grief and Trauma -

Grief is not a straightforward process. Children often cycle through feelings of numbness, anger, and guilt. Research highlights that therapy can be a lifeline, providing vital tools for understanding and processing these emotions. Engaging with a counselor or psychologist can help children lay out their feelings in a safe environment.

"I did some therapy, but I was also told that when I was younger that I did not talk much. Not anymore, I love to talk and here other people's stories. This is my passion. This my purpose - to share stories of hope and love with real people.

Creative expression also plays a key role in healing. Writing stories, drawing, or making music can empower kids to convey their pain and start constructing a sense of stability. For instance, art therapy has been shown to significantly reduce distress in children facing grief, with studies indicating a 30% improvement in emotional expression after just a few sessions.

"I don't know where my creativity came from as my grandmother was not, but my aunt Sheila; my mom's sister was. I spent summers with her, and we would just be together laughing and singing to songs. She was my creative side. She loved to decorate her home, and I guess that is where my creativity came from and began. When I was older, she taught me how to put my makeup on and even how to use a tampon when that time came".

Building that Support System for you -

Establishing a robust support network is crucial. Reaching out to relatives, friends, or local organizations can create a comforting space where children feel understood. Many organizations offer support groups tailored for youngsters mourning loved ones lost to violent crimes.

Being part of a community of peers who share similar experiences can alleviate feelings of isolation. For example, in a recent survey conducted by the National Center for Victims of Crime, 70% of participants reported that connecting with others who have experienced loss provided them with hope and encouragement.

"I did not really connect with others when I was young, my support system was Sheila, my family and later in life church and Jesus. When I was younger there was not anything like Facebook or Instagram or even Twitter, yes, I am that old. If you are going through this, please reach out! Do not isolate yourself. There are recourses that you can reach out for help. And we are here for you too".

Finding a New Normal - is there a normal after such a loss? -

"My sister and I were so young when this happened all of this came later in life".

As the immediate flood of grief begins to recede, cultivating a new routine is essential. Returning to school, picking up hobbies, or forming new friendships can initiate a path toward stability. Although these steps may seem intimidating, they can lead to a restored sense of normalcy. "As I began school the hardest thing was answering that question, when kids would ask me "where is your mom"? and when I would tell them it was always the same response...Oh!

Setting small, achievable goals provides a sense of accomplishment that fosters motivation. Whether it is improving in sports or achieving good grades, completing these goals helps children envision a brighter future. For instance, children involved in extracurricular activities report a 40% increase in feelings of happiness in studies examining the impact of engagement on mental health.

"As a child, I did not have many friends. When I got older, I played basketball in school. I loved to roller-skate; I would not do it now. My motto now is that if it takes more than three days to recover, I avoid. As an adult my kids laugh at me when I say this".

A tranquil scene symbolizing the journey to healing after loss.

Embracing Memories, Not Haunting Shadows

Over time, it is vital for children to shift their focus from grief to honoring their parents' memories. Several years after I received my mom's ashes, I spread them off of a mountain top on her birthday! it was very special to me.

This can involve creating memorials, celebrating birthdays, or engaging in activities their parents enjoyed. Such actions serve as connections between the past and present, allowing children to cherish memories while continuing to live fully.

Rituals such as planting a tree or sharing stories during family gatherings can create enjoyable experiences that celebrate their loved ones, ensuring that love and memory endure.

Moving Forward After Loss

Starting over after losing a parent to crime may seem like an uphill battle, yet healing is achievable. With time, understanding, and support, children can navigate their grief and discover hope beyond their loss. They can honor their parents’ legacies while building new paths in life. It may be a long journey filled with obstacles, but by embracing both pain and joyful memories, new beginnings can blossom from even the toughest experiences.